Sunday, October 23, 2011
I'M EXHAUSTED! I SHAMPOOED CARPET TODAY AND AFTER ALL THE HARD WORK I'M TOO TIRED TO BE EXCITED WITH MY THREE YEAR OLD I REALLY REALLY FEEL LIKE A FAILURE AS A MOTHER I FEEL LIKE I'M RUINING MY DAUGHTER CHILDHOOD. I KNOW THAT NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT ANSWERS TO RAISING A CHILD IF ANY ONE DID I'M SURE THE SECRET WOULD BE OUT THERE SO WE COULD ALL LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL UTOPIA WERE NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG. I'M EXHAUSTED AT PRETENDING THAT EVERYTHING IS OK OR WILL BE OK. NO I DO NOT ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR LOUD MOTHER, NO I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY YOUR FATHER SPEAKS TO ME. NO YOUR BROTHER CAN NOT CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT WOMEN LIKE THIS IS 1800'S AND MEXICO. NO YOUR OTHER BROTHER DOES NOT KNOW EVERYTHING! AND YES YOUR LIL SISTER IS A STUPID SLUT BUT SHES SO STUPID SHES NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT! NO I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THEM SURE BABE GO AHEAD LEAVE ME HERE WITH NO FRIENDS! SURE I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY TO SPEND! SURE I'LL BUY YOU AND YOUR COWORKERS FOOD. THAT THEY WERE GONNA PAY ME FOR!SURE NO PROBLEM WALK IN WHEN THE DOOR IS CLEARLY CLOSED SO THAT NO ONE SEES ME NAKED NO PROBLEM! SURE YOU WANNA OPEN THE DOOR TO THE BATH ROOM WHEN I AM CLEARLY TRYING TO GET A WAY FROM YOU. OH! YOU WANT TO TALK WHILE I'M SITTING ON THE TOILET SURE GRAB A SEAT! I CLOSE THE DOOR FOR A REASON!!! TO GET AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU CRAZY FUCKING PEOPLE!!!! I KNOW BECAUSE I'M A NURSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL YOU GOTTA JUST FIND THOSE THAT ARE YOUR KIND OF CRAZY TO FEEL AT HOME..... I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE TEXAS I JUST WANT MY PEOPLE HERE I DON'T WANT THESE (YOUR) PEOPLE HERE AND NOT NEAR ME AND MY DAUGHTER. I'M BLABBING I BEEN HOLDING IT IN SO LONG NON OF IT MAKES SINCE I JUST NEED TO GET IT OUT BEFORE I RIP MY OWN SKIN OFF!!!! OK I FEEL SOME WHAT BETTER!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I LOVE TEXAS!
I enjoy the accents and southern hospitality. And the golden opportunities that are open to me now. I Often feel loss now that i do not have my immediate family my mother and sister. I love my sister she is older than me and in many moments i wanted to disappear when she was over bearing. and hated her when she yelled and told me what to do. I know i'm the baby "I'm SPOILED". i got it easy cause by the time i was born mom and dad were too tired from raising the other two correctly. And at the same time I feel robbed to a degree i don;t have some of the nice memories by brother and sister shared, and they had a idealic life with 2.5 kids and a black lab the american dream. times have changed and things are different i want all those thing i want my children to have the same relationship as my brother and sister shared. and at the same time i feel like me and my siter my only sister have been able to work thru some of our differences i mean come on we are not perfect but soon i'll convince her to move to texas to get closer and find us a place to belong to let go of our anxieties to find the better nicer people that the south has to offer. I LOVE you sister. i want you close by even when i dont want you near me i want to see you even if we have nothing to say. i will convince you to move over here.
I enjoy the accents and southern hospitality. And the golden opportunities that are open to me now. I Often feel loss now that i do not have my immediate family my mother and sister. I love my sister she is older than me and in many moments i wanted to disappear when she was over bearing. and hated her when she yelled and told me what to do. I know i'm the baby "I'm SPOILED". i got it easy cause by the time i was born mom and dad were too tired from raising the other two correctly. And at the same time I feel robbed to a degree i don;t have some of the nice memories by brother and sister shared, and they had a idealic life with 2.5 kids and a black lab the american dream. times have changed and things are different i want all those thing i want my children to have the same relationship as my brother and sister shared. and at the same time i feel like me and my siter my only sister have been able to work thru some of our differences i mean come on we are not perfect but soon i'll convince her to move to texas to get closer and find us a place to belong to let go of our anxieties to find the better nicer people that the south has to offer. I LOVE you sister. i want you close by even when i dont want you near me i want to see you even if we have nothing to say. i will convince you to move over here.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Big brother
<br> I miss you. and although i damn well know i talk way to much about you. i can not help it. i love you and miss you terribly, i think about all the time how things would differ, how thing my continue the same... i seen to dwell on all the could haves should have and like the saying goes... but didn't. Every one says it get easier, and i will admit that now i can talk about it. but easy to go on living your life with out your partner in crime, your best friend, your video game buddy, your role model, it hard very hard to deal with. see most the stories i tell about my family will begin with just that. my family is awesome because..., my brother..., my sister..., we were far from perfect really far but its difficult to deal with when i see some of the ways other families get along and how people don't respect themselves or others. For a very long time my way of dealing with things has been by hiding and trying to fill the void with comfort foods and sugar to giver me the energy to continue moving on and pretending nothing is wrong.
<br>I've had moments where the pain is dulled and things seems up and bright but at the end of the day when i just want to relax and find comfort from my big brother, then you always get reminded that there is a very big piece of your life missing. and no one and nothing you do fills it place. i'm sure all those who lose some one might feel the same way, and can sympathize. Every time i hear that someone close to me has lost a loved one it makes me go back to the moment after the funeral when there was no more to do list to keep myself busy and moving and not processing it. after the funeral and the quite settled in and the everyday routine gets disrupted then it becomes unbearable. and that's when it hits you like a 100 tons of bricks.
<br>
I always feel like this made me stronger, like now there is nothing i can not do, but the truth of the matter is that i live in fear of having to deal with it again. i'm afraid that i don't have the strength to push through one more loss i don't think any one is every ready to process things of this nature, but i mean it we had had a few more years or if i was older and wiser or if...if...if...if... the list does on and on and on. nothing can be changed now. except today is the first day that i reclaim control on me. my life my exercise, my health and my future... i'll keep you posted...
<br> I miss you. and although i damn well know i talk way to much about you. i can not help it. i love you and miss you terribly, i think about all the time how things would differ, how thing my continue the same... i seen to dwell on all the could haves should have and like the saying goes... but didn't. Every one says it get easier, and i will admit that now i can talk about it. but easy to go on living your life with out your partner in crime, your best friend, your video game buddy, your role model, it hard very hard to deal with. see most the stories i tell about my family will begin with just that. my family is awesome because..., my brother..., my sister..., we were far from perfect really far but its difficult to deal with when i see some of the ways other families get along and how people don't respect themselves or others. For a very long time my way of dealing with things has been by hiding and trying to fill the void with comfort foods and sugar to giver me the energy to continue moving on and pretending nothing is wrong.
<br>I've had moments where the pain is dulled and things seems up and bright but at the end of the day when i just want to relax and find comfort from my big brother, then you always get reminded that there is a very big piece of your life missing. and no one and nothing you do fills it place. i'm sure all those who lose some one might feel the same way, and can sympathize. Every time i hear that someone close to me has lost a loved one it makes me go back to the moment after the funeral when there was no more to do list to keep myself busy and moving and not processing it. after the funeral and the quite settled in and the everyday routine gets disrupted then it becomes unbearable. and that's when it hits you like a 100 tons of bricks.
<br>
I always feel like this made me stronger, like now there is nothing i can not do, but the truth of the matter is that i live in fear of having to deal with it again. i'm afraid that i don't have the strength to push through one more loss i don't think any one is every ready to process things of this nature, but i mean it we had had a few more years or if i was older and wiser or if...if...if...if... the list does on and on and on. nothing can be changed now. except today is the first day that i reclaim control on me. my life my exercise, my health and my future... i'll keep you posted...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Nursing.
Nursing..
Its not just something that pays the bills for me. For me it is a calling on top of the fact that I'm not a sympathy vomit-er, nor the fact that shit has very little effect on me. I remember back to when my brother passed away and my mother and sister said that the doctor and or nurse said "we did everything we could..." that really struck a nerve with me. Like I want to do that I want to be there in the darkest hour I want to give it my all. I want to be that shoulder to lean on and cry on. I wanna find a solution to what seems like a difficult situation. My mother used to say that "what seems like something very difficult or even impossible to you, is not so big for me because i been there i came and went by the time you are there" meaning shes been there done that and gotten past it. Words and a wisdom I now understand. Before I would freak out trying to figure out a way to make ends meet. And now I don't worry about small things like bounced checks and the baby asking me for crabby crabby {hamburger she got it from sponge bob} or how I was going to make it to work. Thanks too some very well placed angles in my life we never went hungry and we were never cold or without a roof. I was able to go to school full time and raise a Baby. But now that i can repay my mother for all the support she gave me i feels so so so so good to be able to call her and say mom i put money in your account. Use if for what ever you need. Most of the things people admire about me and occasionally hate about me i owe to my mother. She made me a strong willed fearless, and ferocious mother I now am. I love my mother than any words can explain. I know I'm very fortunate to have a mother like her that gave up hours and and days and weekends and holidays so that I could have all I needed and even things I only wanted and could have done with out. I thank her for showing me the value of a dollar and showing me that even working very very hard you can only inch pennies so far. When my mother was young she wanted to be a nurse. Circumstances and a series of events led her to cut her cut her education short and and follow in her mothers foot steps in stead of making her own path. But she sacrificed and made choices so that I would be led down the same path. I was very very fortunate to have a mother like her not saying that there is no one like her! there are plenty of moms who instead of forgetting about there children and looking for a man to fill a void she knew what to do to pull and push us through obstacle after obstacle.. but no point in dwelling on what could have been my life I have no regrets, I have no anger feelings like I was robbed, I only feel love and that love I feel for my mom I direct towards the patients whose lives I touch every single day. I love you Sanjuana. Thank you for all the days you worked from 5 am till 12 am, thank you for figuring it all out when my father was not there. thank you for your patients in dealing with me. some times i couldn't stand me. thank you for always making me see the positive, thank you for showing me that its OK to enjoy your self from time to time. thank you for the all the little thing moms never get thanks for, wiping my butt as a baby, feeding me tons of times a day, making me dresses, wiping boogers, and kissing boo boos, never spanking or yelling, guiding me through dark times, thank you i owe you everything and more. and i am a successful nurse due to the wisdom you gave me. i am but an extension of you...
Its not just something that pays the bills for me. For me it is a calling on top of the fact that I'm not a sympathy vomit-er, nor the fact that shit has very little effect on me. I remember back to when my brother passed away and my mother and sister said that the doctor and or nurse said "we did everything we could..." that really struck a nerve with me. Like I want to do that I want to be there in the darkest hour I want to give it my all. I want to be that shoulder to lean on and cry on. I wanna find a solution to what seems like a difficult situation. My mother used to say that "what seems like something very difficult or even impossible to you, is not so big for me because i been there i came and went by the time you are there" meaning shes been there done that and gotten past it. Words and a wisdom I now understand. Before I would freak out trying to figure out a way to make ends meet. And now I don't worry about small things like bounced checks and the baby asking me for crabby crabby {hamburger she got it from sponge bob} or how I was going to make it to work. Thanks too some very well placed angles in my life we never went hungry and we were never cold or without a roof. I was able to go to school full time and raise a Baby. But now that i can repay my mother for all the support she gave me i feels so so so so good to be able to call her and say mom i put money in your account. Use if for what ever you need. Most of the things people admire about me and occasionally hate about me i owe to my mother. She made me a strong willed fearless, and ferocious mother I now am. I love my mother than any words can explain. I know I'm very fortunate to have a mother like her that gave up hours and and days and weekends and holidays so that I could have all I needed and even things I only wanted and could have done with out. I thank her for showing me the value of a dollar and showing me that even working very very hard you can only inch pennies so far. When my mother was young she wanted to be a nurse. Circumstances and a series of events led her to cut her cut her education short and and follow in her mothers foot steps in stead of making her own path. But she sacrificed and made choices so that I would be led down the same path. I was very very fortunate to have a mother like her not saying that there is no one like her! there are plenty of moms who instead of forgetting about there children and looking for a man to fill a void she knew what to do to pull and push us through obstacle after obstacle.. but no point in dwelling on what could have been my life I have no regrets, I have no anger feelings like I was robbed, I only feel love and that love I feel for my mom I direct towards the patients whose lives I touch every single day. I love you Sanjuana. Thank you for all the days you worked from 5 am till 12 am, thank you for figuring it all out when my father was not there. thank you for your patients in dealing with me. some times i couldn't stand me. thank you for always making me see the positive, thank you for showing me that its OK to enjoy your self from time to time. thank you for the all the little thing moms never get thanks for, wiping my butt as a baby, feeding me tons of times a day, making me dresses, wiping boogers, and kissing boo boos, never spanking or yelling, guiding me through dark times, thank you i owe you everything and more. and i am a successful nurse due to the wisdom you gave me. i am but an extension of you...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
LIVE LIFE! don't let it pass you by.
in many ways i live my life just as a high school student and in all others i try (key word being Try) to live as some what of an Adult. i live for the moment. i try to take a risk get my heart and adrenaline pumping make me feel alive as best as i can. and as safe as possible also if that makes any sense at all.... some how i makes sense in my head. But anyways I'll try to keep this in order.
Live Like a High School student.
Do something that scares you. think back to skipping class. writing that note to the cute boy two seats down. (remember this was before every one age 5 and older had cells, we wrote notes and passed them with messengers and during passing periods.) Sneaking out at night so no one finds out. Push the limits, mom said come home at 10 you tip toed in at 10:45. you couldn't just send mom a text. challenge the rules and regulations a little, bend them even and make them work for you. Be a smart ass because right now we think teens are hormonal and get tons of un-due angst. as you get older you gotta keep your comments to your self if you don't want to canned from your job you need. and well everyone else has teens at home they don't want to hear it at work too. Enjoy it and squeez it for all its got other wise you regret it later.
Be Safe People depend on you.
Please don't be an irrational person live it up. by all means. Life is short, there is no reason why you should live miserably. But don't go out and go sky diving. Trust me non of us are as squishy as we used to be. or flexible or energized. Don't forget about those who raised you. Now its your turn to care for them. So you can't a complete idiot. And as great as your kids are. they will always need you. and just like everything else you never know what you have till it's gone.
Be Optimistic.
No one i mean no one like a Debby downer. if you wanna bitch and complain about all the things you don't have you will never realize. everything you do have. if you are always waiting for things to be better you'll never see how good it actually is. do you really want to know what its like to be broke and can't eat trust me you wouldn't be sitting there reading what others are buying. you talk about how ghetto your home is! seriously have you ever seen what the slums look like in 3rd world countries? "ugh, this place sucks balls!" seriously cause, you don't work! or pay rent! your family takes care of you and gives you not only food and roofing my cable, internet, spending money, gas money, pay your tuition. as you may notice i'm kind of projecting here! Sorry it's how i feel. The POINT IS STOP BITCHING START LIVING.
Live Like a High School student.
Do something that scares you. think back to skipping class. writing that note to the cute boy two seats down. (remember this was before every one age 5 and older had cells, we wrote notes and passed them with messengers and during passing periods.) Sneaking out at night so no one finds out. Push the limits, mom said come home at 10 you tip toed in at 10:45. you couldn't just send mom a text. challenge the rules and regulations a little, bend them even and make them work for you. Be a smart ass because right now we think teens are hormonal and get tons of un-due angst. as you get older you gotta keep your comments to your self if you don't want to canned from your job you need. and well everyone else has teens at home they don't want to hear it at work too. Enjoy it and squeez it for all its got other wise you regret it later.
Be Safe People depend on you.
Please don't be an irrational person live it up. by all means. Life is short, there is no reason why you should live miserably. But don't go out and go sky diving. Trust me non of us are as squishy as we used to be. or flexible or energized. Don't forget about those who raised you. Now its your turn to care for them. So you can't a complete idiot. And as great as your kids are. they will always need you. and just like everything else you never know what you have till it's gone.
Be Optimistic.
No one i mean no one like a Debby downer. if you wanna bitch and complain about all the things you don't have you will never realize. everything you do have. if you are always waiting for things to be better you'll never see how good it actually is. do you really want to know what its like to be broke and can't eat trust me you wouldn't be sitting there reading what others are buying. you talk about how ghetto your home is! seriously have you ever seen what the slums look like in 3rd world countries? "ugh, this place sucks balls!" seriously cause, you don't work! or pay rent! your family takes care of you and gives you not only food and roofing my cable, internet, spending money, gas money, pay your tuition. as you may notice i'm kind of projecting here! Sorry it's how i feel. The POINT IS STOP BITCHING START LIVING.
Monday, September 5, 2011
long weekends
long weekends call for lots of family time... so here I am prisoner in my temp. home. Trying to find a way to cope with cabin fever that is to consume my sanity. Family full of know-it-all who hate women and think women are stupid. Remember i'm from LIBERAL California. Where women do not need men and can handle there own, where women can go to school full time work full time and manage a family with out men. So its hard for me to sit here and not punch or put these lil' pricks in there place and know what a real woman is like. I try to find a way of proving women are not stupid. Are we Irrational from 28 days to 28 days, Yes Emotional form 28 days to 28 days, Yes. Down right Bitchy yeah i mean come on we all menstruate even men a figurative way. Most days I'm too busy working and they're too busy working... did i mention they're money hungry. But with 72 hours of the same people you're bound to start climbing walls. My husband is good he likes to get me out the house. That and going to the park with the baby I have an escape to quite and calm at least for a little while. The rest of the time I Spend in the room by my self that's why i took to blogging trying to keep who i am the real me "alive" and as "sane" as any woman can stay. Till Tomorrow.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Different people!
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