Big brother
<br> I miss you. and although i damn well know i talk way to much about you. i can not help it. i love you and miss you terribly, i think about all the time how things would differ, how thing my continue the same... i seen to dwell on all the could haves should have and like the saying goes... but didn't. Every one says it get easier, and i will admit that now i can talk about it. but easy to go on living your life with out your partner in crime, your best friend, your video game buddy, your role model, it hard very hard to deal with. see most the stories i tell about my family will begin with just that. my family is awesome because..., my brother..., my sister...,  we were far from perfect really far but its difficult to deal with  when i see some of the ways other families get along and how people don't respect themselves or others. For a very long time my way of dealing with things has been by hiding and trying to fill the void with comfort foods and  sugar to giver me the energy to continue moving on and pretending nothing is wrong.
<br>I've had moments where the pain is dulled and things seems up and bright but at the end of the day when i just want to relax and find comfort from my big brother, then you always get reminded that there is a very big piece of your life missing. and no one and nothing you do fills it place. i'm sure all those who lose some one might feel the same way, and can sympathize. Every time i hear that someone close to me has lost a loved one it makes me go back to the moment after the funeral when there was no more to do list to keep myself busy and moving and not processing it. after the funeral and the quite settled in and the everyday routine gets disrupted then it becomes unbearable. and that's when it hits you like a 100 tons of bricks.
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I always feel like this made me stronger, like now there is nothing i can not do, but the truth of the matter is that i live in fear of having to deal with it again. i'm afraid that i don't have the strength to push through one more loss i don't think any one is every ready to process things of this nature, but i mean it we had had a few more years or  if i was older and wiser or if...if...if...if... the list does on and on and on. nothing can be changed now. except today is the first day that i reclaim control on me. my life my exercise, my health and my future... i'll keep you posted...