Motivation. or lack there of....

I do not know how to get moving... I know that I truely hate when I start a new routine I have no paticients to continue and the truth is that it really my own damn fault for allowing my husbands bad behavior to influenec in to cravings and a very seditary lifestyle. It used to be that I would never be home and would walk constantly and make damn sure that I burned twice as many calories that I put in but he really, really like to eat out and therefore makes me eat out rguarly. I will learn to get over it and to not allow him to be a bad influence. I will make a routine of things, I will make the changes. I need to!

my family. meaning my mother and sister and brother who lost too young were very active and motivated and for that matter. So was I. this is gonna be hard but I will be healthy darn it, even if i have to get divorced to do it... ok thats a bit extreme but I want you guys to know that I mean it.

Baseball!

Lets go dodgers! Opening day. The pre-game show the fireworks the music the fans all in gear. The smell of fresh cut grass. The stadium Parking and peanuts. Beer and hot dogs. That's what the baseball is about. At least to me the crowd singing take me out to the ball game. The seventh inning stretch. Fact that you know that even if you make less money. Are from a different country or speak more than one language that you have baseball to keep you together. That's what life is about. Delilah. Was exactly 1 month old the first time I took her to a game. She was a trooper. Didn't cry when I screamed and whooped for my boys in blue. She just looked all around and yawn and slept and ate like a good girl that she is. i think the hardest thing about opening day is that i am not there to cheer on the boys in blue. and that my sister is there without me.  My favorite Team. I had my dodger gear on today even though i work in a setting where i prove nursing care my dress code requires me to be dressed as business casual. i had my dodger watch and bracelet and lanyard. needless to say the locals mostly texas ranger fans where seething with anger. i liked no matter what we were all happy that wether i was cheering for the home team or the local team we were all happy that baseball was  back!!!!! maybe this will help fill the void i feel inside.

Marriage

ok lets try this again. I have come almost full circle since arriving to this place. i have found that my marriage is so much stronger and committed nothing like having no one here to count on to make you really want to be with your spouse..

We are very very very far from perfect and we bicker often the truth is that i have a hard time being next to him and then i find it hard to be away from him. it like i cant breathe when he is around and i can't breath without him. and all i ever worry about is that he does not feel the same way. It's a lot like those horrible chick flicks. I guess the hardest thing is that i am not sure of what is to come i have made many many mistakes and the fear is a rational from my childhood i do not want to be the same woman i do not want to go thru the same things that my parent went thru where my mother, loved my father and my father took her and her love and the hard work she put into the relationship for granted. i have not always felt this way there was a time when i truly contemplated a divorce and the truth is that if it wasn't for the efforts that my husband put in when i had given up. we would not be together but we are together because of him.

Uninspired.

It's been a long time since I have been Inspired. Mostly I have felt like a lost wanderer that is never to find a way out of a maze, But like they say not all that wander are lost. My life is usually surrounded by music. I would like to think that the only thing that I can control in my life is the soundtrack. Many times I choose songs that seems to better describe the way I feel or what I am going Thur better than I could ever put into words. I have a new job and have lived here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area for a total of 1 year 9 months and 2 days. And hey who's counting right? Much has changed and then again nothing has changed. I think my in laws finally realized its better not to F!@# with me. I make an honest effort to remain civil but the truth is that i F!@#$%G Hate them, I know, I know.... hate is a strong word and maybe I truly just strongly dislike them. But then again I am a "...Evil Woman from South Los Angeles..."At least that's what they say about me when they think i can't hear them. But as usual i digress the Truth is that I have not blogged because I have been trying to find my passion... for a few months I Painted. I Painted quite a few Pictures. Acrylics Beach scenes. Then I took to teach myself how to do calligraphy again. The last time I had done it was in middle school. I even scrap booked. I tried online games, I tried yoga, I tried religion, and I succeeded at all of them. I excelled in  most of my endeavors to find some type of inner peace. I have started and finished more than 20 novels. I have kept up with television and pinned every type of nail design and tried them all. I have found that most that I do distracts me but it does not fix or inspire. Gosh I can't even find joy in the little things like food or chocolate. The worst is that I have even lost the fight in me. Being the youngest of three every one I mean everyone always says 'oh, you're the baby of the family... you're spoiled" and I was in my own ways but I was not in many other ways. I had to talk myself down when ever i was afraid. when I was left  alone to deal with things that I should not have had to deal with. But because I was born so many years later. I have had to fight a lot, boys and men that thought I would be easy prey. I did not have anyone that would fight my battles. I had to fight to defend myself physically, my family, my choices, and the mistakes that I made from not having someone to fight for me. I Don't even have that I do not call and complain when someone shorts me. Or when the restaurant gets my order wrong. things that never would have happened if i was happy. but then again I am So Happy I have a happy healthy Four year old daughter she smart and pretty and my mini me. I have a Loving Caring husband that dotes on me hand and foot and attempts to spoil me. I have a Job where i make a Difference and is emotionally fulfilling and yet i can not hold a smile on my face and the reason is that. I hate Having to live here with "them" i know what they say about me. And it hurts... today thought i read a passage that said "have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it" so I will be tracking my progress here Prayed and the answers it gives.... until tomorrow... - The Outsider