Uninspired.

It's been a long time since I have been Inspired. Mostly I have felt like a lost wanderer that is never to find a way out of a maze, But like they say not all that wander are lost. My life is usually surrounded by music. I would like to think that the only thing that I can control in my life is the soundtrack. Many times I choose songs that seems to better describe the way I feel or what I am going Thur better than I could ever put into words. I have a new job and have lived here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area for a total of 1 year 9 months and 2 days. And hey who's counting right? Much has changed and then again nothing has changed. I think my in laws finally realized its better not to F!@# with me. I make an honest effort to remain civil but the truth is that i F!@#$%G Hate them, I know, I know.... hate is a strong word and maybe I truly just strongly dislike them. But then again I am a "...Evil Woman from South Los Angeles..."At least that's what they say about me when they think i can't hear them. But as usual i digress the Truth is that I have not blogged because I have been trying to find my passion... for a few months I Painted. I Painted quite a few Pictures. Acrylics Beach scenes. Then I took to teach myself how to do calligraphy again. The last time I had done it was in middle school. I even scrap booked. I tried online games, I tried yoga, I tried religion, and I succeeded at all of them. I excelled in  most of my endeavors to find some type of inner peace. I have started and finished more than 20 novels. I have kept up with television and pinned every type of nail design and tried them all. I have found that most that I do distracts me but it does not fix or inspire. Gosh I can't even find joy in the little things like food or chocolate. The worst is that I have even lost the fight in me. Being the youngest of three every one I mean everyone always says 'oh, you're the baby of the family... you're spoiled" and I was in my own ways but I was not in many other ways. I had to talk myself down when ever i was afraid. when I was left  alone to deal with things that I should not have had to deal with. But because I was born so many years later. I have had to fight a lot, boys and men that thought I would be easy prey. I did not have anyone that would fight my battles. I had to fight to defend myself physically, my family, my choices, and the mistakes that I made from not having someone to fight for me. I Don't even have that I do not call and complain when someone shorts me. Or when the restaurant gets my order wrong. things that never would have happened if i was happy. but then again I am So Happy I have a happy healthy Four year old daughter she smart and pretty and my mini me. I have a Loving Caring husband that dotes on me hand and foot and attempts to spoil me. I have a Job where i make a Difference and is emotionally fulfilling and yet i can not hold a smile on my face and the reason is that. I hate Having to live here with "them" i know what they say about me. And it hurts... today thought i read a passage that said "have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it" so I will be tracking my progress here Prayed and the answers it gives.... until tomorrow... - The Outsider