I do not know how to get moving... I know that I truely hate when I start a new routine I have no paticients to continue and the truth is that it really my own damn fault for allowing my husbands bad behavior to influenec in to cravings and a very seditary lifestyle. It used to be that I would never be home and would walk constantly and make damn sure that I burned twice as many calories that I put in but he really, really like to eat out and therefore makes me eat out rguarly. I will learn to get over it and to not allow him to be a bad influence. I will make a routine of things, I will make the changes. I need to!
my family. meaning my mother and sister and brother who lost too young were very active and motivated and for that matter. So was I. this is gonna be hard but I will be healthy darn it, even if i have to get divorced to do it... ok thats a bit extreme but I want you guys to know that I mean it.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Baseball!
Lets go dodgers! Opening day. The pre-game show the fireworks the music the fans all in gear. The smell of fresh cut grass. The stadium Parking and peanuts. Beer and hot dogs. That's what the baseball is about. At least to me the crowd singing take me out to the ball game. The seventh inning stretch. Fact that you know that even if you make less money. Are from a different country or speak more than one language that you have baseball to keep you together. That's what life is about. Delilah. Was exactly 1 month old the first time I took her to a game. She was a trooper. Didn't cry when I screamed and whooped for my boys in blue. She just looked all around and yawn and slept and ate like a good girl that she is. i think the hardest thing about opening day is that i am not there to cheer on the boys in blue. and that my sister is there without me. My favorite Team. I had my dodger gear on today even though i work in a setting where i prove nursing care my dress code requires me to be dressed as business casual. i had my dodger watch and bracelet and lanyard. needless to say the locals mostly texas ranger fans where seething with anger. i liked no matter what we were all happy that wether i was cheering for the home team or the local team we were all happy that baseball was back!!!!! maybe this will help fill the void i feel inside.
Marriage
ok lets try this again. I have come almost full circle since arriving to this place. i have found that my marriage is so much stronger and committed nothing like having no one here to count on to make you really want to be with your spouse..
We are very very very far from perfect and we bicker often the truth is that i have a hard time being next to him and then i find it hard to be away from him. it like i cant breathe when he is around and i can't breath without him. and all i ever worry about is that he does not feel the same way. It's a lot like those horrible chick flicks. I guess the hardest thing is that i am not sure of what is to come i have made many many mistakes and the fear is a rational from my childhood i do not want to be the same woman i do not want to go thru the same things that my parent went thru where my mother, loved my father and my father took her and her love and the hard work she put into the relationship for granted. i have not always felt this way there was a time when i truly contemplated a divorce and the truth is that if it wasn't for the efforts that my husband put in when i had given up. we would not be together but we are together because of him.
We are very very very far from perfect and we bicker often the truth is that i have a hard time being next to him and then i find it hard to be away from him. it like i cant breathe when he is around and i can't breath without him. and all i ever worry about is that he does not feel the same way. It's a lot like those horrible chick flicks. I guess the hardest thing is that i am not sure of what is to come i have made many many mistakes and the fear is a rational from my childhood i do not want to be the same woman i do not want to go thru the same things that my parent went thru where my mother, loved my father and my father took her and her love and the hard work she put into the relationship for granted. i have not always felt this way there was a time when i truly contemplated a divorce and the truth is that if it wasn't for the efforts that my husband put in when i had given up. we would not be together but we are together because of him.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Uninspired.
It's been a long time since I have been Inspired. Mostly I have felt like a lost wanderer that is never to find a way out of a maze, But like they say not all that wander are lost. My life is usually surrounded by music. I would like to think that the only thing that I can control in my life is the soundtrack. Many times I choose songs that seems to better describe the way I feel or what I am going Thur better than I could ever put into words. I have a new job and have lived here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area for a total of 1 year 9 months and 2 days. And hey who's counting right? Much has changed and then again nothing has changed. I think my in laws finally realized its better not to F!@# with me. I make an honest effort to remain civil but the truth is that i F!@#$%G Hate them, I know, I know.... hate is a strong word and maybe I truly just strongly dislike them. But then again I am a "...Evil Woman from South Los Angeles..."At least that's what they say about me when they think i can't hear them. But as usual i digress the Truth is that I have not blogged because I have been trying to find my passion... for a few months I Painted. I Painted quite a few Pictures. Acrylics Beach scenes. Then I took to teach myself how to do calligraphy again. The last time I had done it was in middle school. I even scrap booked. I tried online games, I tried yoga, I tried religion, and I succeeded at all of them. I excelled in most of my endeavors to find some type of inner peace. I have started and finished more than 20 novels. I have kept up with television and pinned every type of nail design and tried them all. I have found that most that I do distracts me but it does not fix or inspire. Gosh I can't even find joy in the little things like food or chocolate. The worst is that I have even lost the fight in me. Being the youngest of three every one I mean everyone always says 'oh, you're the baby of the family... you're spoiled" and I was in my own ways but I was not in many other ways. I had to talk myself down when ever i was afraid. when I was left alone to deal with things that I should not have had to deal with. But because I was born so many years later. I have had to fight a lot, boys and men that thought I would be easy prey. I did not have anyone that would fight my battles. I had to fight to defend myself physically, my family, my choices, and the mistakes that I made from not having someone to fight for me. I Don't even have that I do not call and complain when someone shorts me. Or when the restaurant gets my order wrong. things that never would have happened if i was happy. but then again I am So Happy I have a happy healthy Four year old daughter she smart and pretty and my mini me. I have a Loving Caring husband that dotes on me hand and foot and attempts to spoil me. I have a Job where i make a Difference and is emotionally fulfilling and yet i can not hold a smile on my face and the reason is that. I hate Having to live here with "them" i know what they say about me. And it hurts... today thought i read a passage that said "have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it" so I will be tracking my progress here Prayed and the answers it gives.... until tomorrow... - The Outsider
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I'M EXHAUSTED! I SHAMPOOED CARPET TODAY AND AFTER ALL THE HARD WORK I'M TOO TIRED TO BE EXCITED WITH MY THREE YEAR OLD I REALLY REALLY FEEL LIKE A FAILURE AS A MOTHER I FEEL LIKE I'M RUINING MY DAUGHTER CHILDHOOD. I KNOW THAT NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT ANSWERS TO RAISING A CHILD IF ANY ONE DID I'M SURE THE SECRET WOULD BE OUT THERE SO WE COULD ALL LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL UTOPIA WERE NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG. I'M EXHAUSTED AT PRETENDING THAT EVERYTHING IS OK OR WILL BE OK. NO I DO NOT ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR LOUD MOTHER, NO I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY YOUR FATHER SPEAKS TO ME. NO YOUR BROTHER CAN NOT CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT WOMEN LIKE THIS IS 1800'S AND MEXICO. NO YOUR OTHER BROTHER DOES NOT KNOW EVERYTHING! AND YES YOUR LIL SISTER IS A STUPID SLUT BUT SHES SO STUPID SHES NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT! NO I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THEM SURE BABE GO AHEAD LEAVE ME HERE WITH NO FRIENDS! SURE I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY TO SPEND! SURE I'LL BUY YOU AND YOUR COWORKERS FOOD. THAT THEY WERE GONNA PAY ME FOR!SURE NO PROBLEM WALK IN WHEN THE DOOR IS CLEARLY CLOSED SO THAT NO ONE SEES ME NAKED NO PROBLEM! SURE YOU WANNA OPEN THE DOOR TO THE BATH ROOM WHEN I AM CLEARLY TRYING TO GET A WAY FROM YOU. OH! YOU WANT TO TALK WHILE I'M SITTING ON THE TOILET SURE GRAB A SEAT! I CLOSE THE DOOR FOR A REASON!!! TO GET AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU CRAZY FUCKING PEOPLE!!!! I KNOW BECAUSE I'M A NURSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL YOU GOTTA JUST FIND THOSE THAT ARE YOUR KIND OF CRAZY TO FEEL AT HOME..... I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE TEXAS I JUST WANT MY PEOPLE HERE I DON'T WANT THESE (YOUR) PEOPLE HERE AND NOT NEAR ME AND MY DAUGHTER. I'M BLABBING I BEEN HOLDING IT IN SO LONG NON OF IT MAKES SINCE I JUST NEED TO GET IT OUT BEFORE I RIP MY OWN SKIN OFF!!!! OK I FEEL SOME WHAT BETTER!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I LOVE TEXAS!
I enjoy the accents and southern hospitality. And the golden opportunities that are open to me now. I Often feel loss now that i do not have my immediate family my mother and sister. I love my sister she is older than me and in many moments i wanted to disappear when she was over bearing. and hated her when she yelled and told me what to do. I know i'm the baby "I'm SPOILED". i got it easy cause by the time i was born mom and dad were too tired from raising the other two correctly. And at the same time I feel robbed to a degree i don;t have some of the nice memories by brother and sister shared, and they had a idealic life with 2.5 kids and a black lab the american dream. times have changed and things are different i want all those thing i want my children to have the same relationship as my brother and sister shared. and at the same time i feel like me and my siter my only sister have been able to work thru some of our differences i mean come on we are not perfect but soon i'll convince her to move to texas to get closer and find us a place to belong to let go of our anxieties to find the better nicer people that the south has to offer. I LOVE you sister. i want you close by even when i dont want you near me i want to see you even if we have nothing to say. i will convince you to move over here.
I enjoy the accents and southern hospitality. And the golden opportunities that are open to me now. I Often feel loss now that i do not have my immediate family my mother and sister. I love my sister she is older than me and in many moments i wanted to disappear when she was over bearing. and hated her when she yelled and told me what to do. I know i'm the baby "I'm SPOILED". i got it easy cause by the time i was born mom and dad were too tired from raising the other two correctly. And at the same time I feel robbed to a degree i don;t have some of the nice memories by brother and sister shared, and they had a idealic life with 2.5 kids and a black lab the american dream. times have changed and things are different i want all those thing i want my children to have the same relationship as my brother and sister shared. and at the same time i feel like me and my siter my only sister have been able to work thru some of our differences i mean come on we are not perfect but soon i'll convince her to move to texas to get closer and find us a place to belong to let go of our anxieties to find the better nicer people that the south has to offer. I LOVE you sister. i want you close by even when i dont want you near me i want to see you even if we have nothing to say. i will convince you to move over here.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Big brother
<br> I miss you. and although i damn well know i talk way to much about you. i can not help it. i love you and miss you terribly, i think about all the time how things would differ, how thing my continue the same... i seen to dwell on all the could haves should have and like the saying goes... but didn't. Every one says it get easier, and i will admit that now i can talk about it. but easy to go on living your life with out your partner in crime, your best friend, your video game buddy, your role model, it hard very hard to deal with. see most the stories i tell about my family will begin with just that. my family is awesome because..., my brother..., my sister..., we were far from perfect really far but its difficult to deal with when i see some of the ways other families get along and how people don't respect themselves or others. For a very long time my way of dealing with things has been by hiding and trying to fill the void with comfort foods and sugar to giver me the energy to continue moving on and pretending nothing is wrong.
<br>I've had moments where the pain is dulled and things seems up and bright but at the end of the day when i just want to relax and find comfort from my big brother, then you always get reminded that there is a very big piece of your life missing. and no one and nothing you do fills it place. i'm sure all those who lose some one might feel the same way, and can sympathize. Every time i hear that someone close to me has lost a loved one it makes me go back to the moment after the funeral when there was no more to do list to keep myself busy and moving and not processing it. after the funeral and the quite settled in and the everyday routine gets disrupted then it becomes unbearable. and that's when it hits you like a 100 tons of bricks.
<br>
I always feel like this made me stronger, like now there is nothing i can not do, but the truth of the matter is that i live in fear of having to deal with it again. i'm afraid that i don't have the strength to push through one more loss i don't think any one is every ready to process things of this nature, but i mean it we had had a few more years or if i was older and wiser or if...if...if...if... the list does on and on and on. nothing can be changed now. except today is the first day that i reclaim control on me. my life my exercise, my health and my future... i'll keep you posted...
<br> I miss you. and although i damn well know i talk way to much about you. i can not help it. i love you and miss you terribly, i think about all the time how things would differ, how thing my continue the same... i seen to dwell on all the could haves should have and like the saying goes... but didn't. Every one says it get easier, and i will admit that now i can talk about it. but easy to go on living your life with out your partner in crime, your best friend, your video game buddy, your role model, it hard very hard to deal with. see most the stories i tell about my family will begin with just that. my family is awesome because..., my brother..., my sister..., we were far from perfect really far but its difficult to deal with when i see some of the ways other families get along and how people don't respect themselves or others. For a very long time my way of dealing with things has been by hiding and trying to fill the void with comfort foods and sugar to giver me the energy to continue moving on and pretending nothing is wrong.
<br>I've had moments where the pain is dulled and things seems up and bright but at the end of the day when i just want to relax and find comfort from my big brother, then you always get reminded that there is a very big piece of your life missing. and no one and nothing you do fills it place. i'm sure all those who lose some one might feel the same way, and can sympathize. Every time i hear that someone close to me has lost a loved one it makes me go back to the moment after the funeral when there was no more to do list to keep myself busy and moving and not processing it. after the funeral and the quite settled in and the everyday routine gets disrupted then it becomes unbearable. and that's when it hits you like a 100 tons of bricks.
<br>
I always feel like this made me stronger, like now there is nothing i can not do, but the truth of the matter is that i live in fear of having to deal with it again. i'm afraid that i don't have the strength to push through one more loss i don't think any one is every ready to process things of this nature, but i mean it we had had a few more years or if i was older and wiser or if...if...if...if... the list does on and on and on. nothing can be changed now. except today is the first day that i reclaim control on me. my life my exercise, my health and my future... i'll keep you posted...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)